Saturday, January 25, 2014

Harry Potter in the Style of Famous Writers #2

(some parts previously posted elsewhere)

Today it's A.A. Milne and J.R.R. Tolkien, neither of whom I find I can carry for long. So, briefly:

Harry the Pooh

Ron,” said Harry Potter (rum-te-tum-tum), “You don’t think I’m… well…”
Yes, Harry Potter?” said Ron helpfully.
Well, I do mean to say,” (rum-te-tum-tum) said Harry Potter thoughtfully. “That is, I say, Ron, you don’t think I’m, well, sort of Possessed by Voldemort, do you?”
Bother!” said Ron. “I do wish you wouldn’t say that name, Harry Potter.”
I’m sorry,” said Harry Potter. “It sort of came out, you know, in a sort of a way.”

Harry of the Rings

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Harry, sir," said Ron. "But I never did hold with no riding of invisible reptilian horses. 'Tain't natural-like, if you see what I mean."

"No, Ron," said Harry wearily, "I fear you never did. But it is fated to me. The thestrals hang before my eyes, white-eyed and dwimber. Just be glad you can't see them, old friend. I'm afraid Dumbledore was right."

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Harry Potter in the Style of Famous Writers #1

(previously posted elsewhere)

Bear with me for a bit of silliness... to wit:

How Harry Potter would have come out if various other writers had written him.

First up, John Steinbeck.

Harry Potter and the Grapes of Wrath

The little wizards watched evil creep up on them like the tide. They studied Defense Against the Dark Arts and learned no counter-curses, they cried Expecto Patronum but could summon no patroni. And the wizards of great knowledge have worked, have studied, have considered, and the Death Eaters are gathering in the graveyards, and the Dementors' psychic rot and general air of extreme Depression is poisoning the air.

These little wizards will be Death Eaters next year, for Voldemort's lure will have choked out the last scrap of decency from their little wands.

Hogwarts will belong to the Death Eaters. Only the Death Eaters can survive, for they have drawn great powers that the little wizards cannot dream of. And these powers may cost your soul, but they put pumpkin bread on the table, pumpkin bread and canned peaches and butterbeer, which costs two sickles. And a wizard must feed his family. A wizard must have sickles and knuts to feed his family. 

The evil spreads over Hogwarts, and its creeping is a great sorrow on the land. Wizards who can accio anything and make great maps, maps that trace everybody's location, can find no way to locate Voldemort. Big wizards can find no way to stop the little wizards from becoming Death Eaters. Wizards who have discovered twelve uses for dragon's blood cannot create an educational system which stops turning one-fourth of the little wizards evil. And the failure hangs over Hogwarts like a great sorrow.

And so the Second War begins.